The Gym Cult

"At an hour when he would usually prefer to be asleep, your correspondent drags himself into an LA Fitness gym in north London. In the changing room, he finds a reassuringly fat man forlornly weighing himself; but the other early birds wrestling with the weights machines look dauntingly fit and expert. Nursing a mild hangover and grave doubts about his vocation, he prepares to meet his nemesis."

While I was tooling around the internet after my long workout at the gym, I came across this awesome snipet from a 2002 article in the Economist. Because they are sheisty bastards, I was unable to read the article in all its splendor. But the above paragraph was enough to let me know that I probably would've liked it.

That being said...I have began to develop a theory about the gym. Because curiousity killed a cat (as they say) I decided to do a little research on gym culture. Of the theses I examined, the general consensus was that the gym culture was one collective cult where like minds gathered to bulk up. The only differentiator being what time they decided to begin their workout routine (Early Risers, Afternoon Users, After Work/ School Users & last but not least Evening Users). However, I think that the gym is comprised of a bunch of different tiny subcultures...kind of like high school. In fact I will use your general high school cliques to break down the subcultures that exist at the gym. It goes as follows:

Jocks: We all know these guys: ripped shirts to excentuate the masculine arms and pecks, loud grunting accompanied by counting between sets, free flow of sweat and the arrogant swagger. These fellows are usually found in the free weights room pumping iron and gnawing on their power bars while chugging back their gallon container of muscle milk.

Sluts/Whores: No matter what clique you fall into, these guys/girls are sure to make you uncomfortable no matter who you are. Boys: wife beaters, like to mill around the water faucet and causally pick up chicks. Also notorious for making cat calls and whistles at girls as they walk by. And I mean ALL GIRLS. Sweats, baggy shirt, unbrushed hair- they'll tap that. Just as long as you're breathing. Girls: Sports bras only, often seen in the free weight room lifting the five pound barbells. Attire includes tight pants, thong sweat line, bleached hair and gum. Often seen giggling and initiating stupid conversations.

Nerds: These kids go to the gym just so they can say they went. These fun loving folks are usually spotted in jeans- running at a walker's pace on trendmills in chuck taylors wearing a "I love dorks" tee. Mostly contained to the cardio section of the gym, these characters will sometimes venture over the the weights where they will park it on the machine before finally finishing their third set of 10 at 5 pounds a machine. AND THEY NEVER CARRY TOWELS.

Finally, last but not least the group I most commonly associate:

Anarchists: These kids just want to work out and be left the fuck alone. They come in all shapes and sizes and tend to fall somewhere between the jock and the nerd. You will notice them by their quiet demeanor and baggy appearal. They almost never look up for fear of having to initiate a conversation with someone, or worse the fear that a trainer will come over and tell them that they're using the equipment wrong. You can guarantee that they will always have their iPod because they can't stand to listen to the house version of Brittany's Spears "Toxic" on auto repeat. Note to everyone: don't approach them, don't sell them extras, don't even stare in their direction...it makes them nervous.

If you frequently attend the gym I'm sure you recognize these characters, hell perhaps your one of them yourselves. I'll admit it I'm part of the anarchist gym cult- you approach me at the gym I'll turn my head, walk away and pretend I didn't see you just so I won't have to initiate another ackward conversation.

No judgment here...ok, maybe just a little. I just thought it would be worth mentioning that there is more to this "gym cult" then meets the eye.

**Please note, there should be a separate section for couples but I'm too tired to go there.